| I the m-my Ipod |
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| 11:11am 18/06/2008 |
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My ipod got stolen in the dc store. the one garth gave me for mother's day.
I
I
I called my mom this morning after I discovered it wasn't in my purse,
Talked to mom about money.
Money is so very scary
Garth has no insurance, so maryland has been charging him $15 a day since february. It's really high now he can't drive to mva to get it straightened out or else he'll get arrested and we dont have time for that
And he can't sell it since he needs it to get to work and all the money we have taken out on it so we can stay afloat.
And now I dont have a license, or 450 for driving lessons plus 50 for permit
or even a car
I don't know what to do about all this money
the 600 dollars from the overdrawn acct at chevy chase
the 300 dollars/ month just so garth can get to work
MAiF has really high insurance prices
We have all the dental bills piling up. 250 for the procedure I have yet to finish
1000 for the double root canals.
I already spent my $300 refund on garths ds for father's day.
How do I make money? I can't get anywhere to a second job and who would watch robin?
I'm so shaky right now and I don't know
how I'm going to work in an hour
and no ipod |
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| End of school impromptu picnic |
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| 12:54pm 07/05/2007 |
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Tomorrow at 6pm, Angie and I are celebrating the end of our schoolyear!
If your schoolyear is over, or will be very soon, or maybe you just want to hang out in 70 degree weather with friends, please join us at the Brookside Gardens picnic area. Bring something to share if you can come. Pack the picnic essentials- sandals, frisbee, camera, waterbottle, whatever you can think of- I might even break out the guitar if you're lucky.
You can let us know, or you can just show up. |
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| emotional rollercoaster |
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| 11:13pm 08/04/2007 |
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ach
happy easter everyone's happy then I'm not happy and sad and feeling alone and meek and so sick it has been disgusting the bathroom and i feel muted and alone and ugly and ridiculous like a bad person my god so awful and also lazy fatalist pointless and hopeless living in a sty
but you know it should get better they say
i'm lucky to have this family they say
we love you
with open arms so open hearts
and friends
I need my friends
I miss them
talked to robin for an hour
read- I bitched at robin until i felt better
and greg's here, well actually he's out getting me ginger ale, bless him.
I have a new cell
you're welcome to call |
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| 10:42am 30/03/2007 |
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8 weeks in, we have a name, we have a heartbeat. We have a crib, and Garth and I bought a real bed. No more of this mattress on the floor shit.
I guess you could say life has been pretty dull?
I sleep so much (as my coworker puts it "You're exhausted because you're making kidneys and liver and lungs")
I work six hours a day now.
Which means from now until four everyday I have nothing to do. I can't get out and walk too much, I have to save my feet- they hurt a lot more now.
I'm doing good with he cold turkey not smoking,
and limiting my caffiene to a vitamin water and a cup of tea (maybe not good enough but give me a break- I used to down 2 monsters a day)
His family is helping us come up with a list of what we need.
When I get it, I'll put it out for those of you interested in a shower. (which would make me happy)
Just don't forget the silly hats.
My father's family, my cousins, they said they want to throw me a separate shower, just them, which I said was good, because "I wouldn't want my friends to see how crazy you people are"...
My cousin Megan knits. That's so cool.
Ugh, morning sickness gets better everyday. A little. I'm almost to the end of it.
Ah well, that's all for now. |
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| the family knows |
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| 11:00am 19/03/2007 |
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Oh god, I hate morning sickness!
Pepto Bismol, Saltines, Candied Ginger...
I'm so exhausted, and what's worse, I'm so very hungry. There was fillet mignon last night at dinner. I smelled it, held it in my mouth, chewed on it and sorta sucked on the juices. So hungry.
My aunt sent me chocolates for my birthday. Everyday I look at them and ask myself if I could do it. They're good chocolates too.
Garth is overjoyed. His family is all excited and taking numbers for babysitting. People at work are all on him. Lorenzo calls me his 'baby's mama', Ben (The uptight I'm punk but I'm a manager so I'm sulky and sarcastic manager guy) gives him limited shit considering his own past. After all, He had a son when he was younger than Garth. His girlfriend Michelle, a manager of the Annapolis TJ's answered at her store when Garth called looking for his former boss to tell him the news and called him Papa. I think she meant to jar him in that teasing way, but she doesn't know how good he thinks it sounds.
First appt. with OB on wednesday.
My dad sounded much happier than I expected.
My grandmother is happy I kept it. But wants to talk to me about making sure I don't marry Garth.
My grandfather wants me to marry Garth. I do too, just not now. A baby is no reason for a marriage. A marriage is a reason for marriage. Bit of wisdom from his mother.
Telling them lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.
I have to admit, the anxiety level went way down from the flashing 'critical overload' that it was yesterday. I was expecting a scene from my grandmother at dinner. But no, she just pretended it wasn't happening and we talked about other things.
And my roommate/other manager at TJ's is being pretty understanding about things. Like finding cover for my shifts tomorrow when I have school and work.
I'm allowed to be happy for it now. Hopefully I'll make it through tonight's four hour light shift. |
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| 03:29pm 16/03/2007 |
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So i'm pregnant. happy 21st.
It's good news.
But now it's gonna get hard for us. |
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| Winter Blues on hold |
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| 12:56pm 22/02/2007 |
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I am well.
I am happy.
My apartment is clean. Clean clean, not just tidied up.
I vacuumed.
We have real food for the first time. Hell Yeah.
I feel home. My room is ready to be kept up.
Everything can be organized. Garth and I spend more time together.
We have a brita water filter so we can drink water. I'm doing a dozen little things to take better care of myself. It's happy.
I'm catching up to what needs to be done, by and by.
Email:
Nicole
Kabriel
Myspace:
Laura
Pat
Meg
Mandy
Doctor:
Dentist
Eye dr.
Girl dr.
Bills:
HC
Sprint
TMobile
Do:
Finish double portrait
HMWK
2 Loads of Laundry
TurboTax Dealy
Call:
Leah from MCSAD
I've thought about Van lately. Time of year I guess. I wouldn't know what to say if I were to talk to him, or a reason to talk to him at all. Trying not to think about him just makes me feel bad when I do. So I shouldn't try to block him out.
Tonight I get paid, then I go into work to work all kinds of hard until we're done tonight. 2:30-11 it says, but really, it's more like 2-12:30. At least I'm good at what I do. |
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| following suit |
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| 01:09am 16/02/2007 |
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Vicky's last entry got me to thinking, as Andi put it, I should make sure people are 'kept up to date' with me too.
The apartment is a sty, I'm beginning to suspect that I'm the only person who makes use of the dishwasher, washer/dryer or the trash can. It's a mite frustrating for me.
Garth has been switched from Night crew (6pm-2am) to morning load (4am-12pm), but my schedule (2:30pm-12am) is still roughly the same. Do the math. We see eachother intermittently. A little more frustration there. Although seeing him when I wake up is nice. Having him not wake up at 5pm everyday is also nice.
I've been working my ass off lately. Much much harder than usual. The last week of night crew (which was last week) when I was supposed to get off at 2, I got off at 3:30, or 5 am. Can you say overtime? With my new 30 cent raise, it's very nice.
I worked the dairy box for the first time tonight. I got done at 12:30, but starting from 8, not 5. Considering no one had done it all day, everything was blown out on the shelf but buried in the back. I think I did pretty well. Plus, I have fun when I'm working hard. I kind of forget it's work I guess? It's like a game, one that tests your speed, strength, temper, patience, ability to keep your cool and be friendly (among other character traits), and encourages you to rely on memory if you don't like wasting time.
I have one crazy bruise on my arm that is all raised off the skin with fantastic colors. I didn't notice when I got it, but when I got home I was thinking, "Why does my arm hurt?". Kinda scary.
I've been the manager's ace in the hole more times than not lately, and it's a nice feeling.
I wish I could speak so highly of my performance in class. Not that I don't want to do well or that I don't try, but it's like switching gears on a bike. A feat not made simple by having to work directly after school, or that I can never get to sleep on monday nights. Though that is to change, since I won't wait up for Garth to get home anymore.
Printmaking requires cleanliness, money for supples,and immediacy. Since it's very nature ensures permanence and promises little control over the many unintentonal effects caused by the press itself, it requires a sort of confidence, or certainty. Professor Vossellor requires punctuality (which I've been so much better about than ever before- at work, that is) and thick skin for critiques. I need to get better at all these, so maybe I should start thinking about class as a game too?
I've learned from my teacher already, and even if I only pass this class, I'll have gained something.
I guess that's about it for me.
Oh! I got a massage on Valentine's day. We both did, actually. And watched Little Miss Sunshine for the first time. Anyone else see the similarity between the Aristrocrats joke and the ending of this movie?
Till next time, readers. |
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| though i generally don't post poems, I'm feeling no confidence in my work. |
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| 11:22pm 06/02/2007 |
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Disinfect those tears
before you wipe them away
You're so pretty when you cry
Let the rain wash from you the new and good
But he hangs dirty on that string around your neck
And you won't try to break it, just run away only so far
Far enough for him to tug and you choke
crawling back with fresh stitches
your bone splintered fingers pressed together,
Reaching for his immaculate white gloves
He makes you want to drink.
Antiseptic intoxication
You'll cry into your mop bucket
As you scrub his floor
Though it never shines quite like it used to. |
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| 11:15pm 01/02/2007 |
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doin the dishes and the laundry.
apparently I was crying in my sleep.
I thought about driving somewhere other than home tonight, but then I saw an ambulance and thought, "If better drivers than me are getting into accidents, maybe I should wait another night to go driving."
Plus I'm getting a little sick of my one cd that Aaron made me. Maybe I should listen to the other one.
Yesterday, Ricky and I had bonding time. We watched movies.
The Illusionist was really good. |
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| stupid nightmares |
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| 10:50pm 27/01/2007 |
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music: The be good tanyas- the littlest birds
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I thought I wasn't supposed to dream anymore.
Nightmares for 3 weeks now?
Last night was a sunburn on my face- meaning I need to face an issue I've been avoiding before it 'burns' through my soul (I shit you not, this is what the dream dictionary told me)
Problem is, whatever I've been avoiding, whatever it is that needs facing, I'm too far gone to be able to confront it.
I don't know what's wrong, except...
I miss having friends.
Ones that don't work at TJ's.
I miss having girl friends.
Sometimes I feel like a secondary character in my own life.
Everything that is seems to have lost its shine. Nothing's new. TV shows, Movies, none of them appeal.
The socio-political aspects of school bore me. It's all the same as it was a year ago. Bitch about CE, accomplish nothing.
The people who talk to me at school, whether they realize it or not, talk at me. I don't care to befriend them outside of school. That's not to say I won't be nice and funny and friendly and all that, but Christ, that's what I'm good at. I get paid to ring people up on the register, yeah, but I get paid more to be friendly and nice. It becomes work.
And why should I be friends with them? They're leaving. They're transferring after this semester. So am I, I guess.
I don't know if I am. I haven't done anything about it. Maybe it's too late again.
I'm afraid to pursue this after MCSAD college thing.
I miss eating. Exactly what can one do with sweet&sour sauce, mayo, and cheerios? Order take out. Too bad I'm broke.
I don't drink much soda these days. Tea and water. No coffee. Energy Drinks.
On days I do eat three meals, or even two, I feel weird. As if I've confused my digestive system by giving it something to eat besides itself.
I feel a great apathy. I feel my winter sadness.
Alone. What is there to do?
Dishes, Laundry, Painting, Reading, Everything, Nothing.
Does it accomplish anything? I've found a hole to hide from life, one that takes from me my will to return to this transitive stage of my twenties.
Maybe this is what 'real life' is like. I got the cable bill today. Rent is due thursday. It's all in my name. |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| Garth is on a cruise |
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| 09:33pm 17/01/2007 |
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music: Fido, your leash is too long- The Magnetic Fields
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It must seem so silly. I worry about him. I wonder if he's okay. I know he's having a good time, travelling around, getting a massage, winning at blackjack, picking up duty-free alcohol for our liquor cabinet and cartons of cigarettes so we'll be set for the next few months, but when I don't hear from him, I get this terrible fear that creeps in- what would I do without him now, he's so much of my life, my dreams, please please let him come home safe, let me see that smile, hear him call me beautiful, anything-
I'm sure he thinks the same about me when he knows I'll be out driving somewhere. I guess that would be worse.
I'll be so grateful when he gets home safe and sound.
I just had this terrible feeling the night he left. He had a pure and amazing glow about him, I tried to take it all in to keep me through the week, but it filled me with a sadness at the thought of ever losing such a beautiful person.
I know I'm crazy.
Don't worry, it's just my doubt. I had to say it once. I've been having a good time without him, with the night crew boys coming over every night after 2 for Risk and Ultimate Alliance on the PS3. Bless their hearts, my home is now the cool hangout of Trader Joe's.
Work is fun. I never realized how much a cashier can fuck with customers. Not in a bad way, just in a cynical and amused sort of way. I make fun of the managers to the customers, I make fun of my job to them, I make fun of myself- as in "Don't worry, I'm a professional" That always gets a laugh. I even make fun of the few asshole customers I have. It's great this way. People who would normally be down and dull can't help but smile when I'm there. It's the energy, I guess.
God. I have to go back to school at the end of the month.
Guess I should get to painting then. |
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| Happy Linda |
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| 10:14pm 02/01/2007 |
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I've got everything I could want.
My new apartment is almost all moved in.
It's so nice, spacious. I'm happy.
I've unpacked my things, done laundry, dishes, everything. I'm excited to be on my own.
It feels good.
Lev helped me move a few things yesterday, Mel and Carl, Aaron Doyle and other people from work have also helped.
Greg and Chris Bedford helped out too.
Christmas is the best time to move. Everyone in Garth's family gave him gift certificates for the apartment- very helpful! Now all we need is a trash can and a few tables.
We have an eat-in Kitchen and washer dryer in unit. Garth's great grandmother's kitchen table fits so perfectly (and is a good Risk table- I won)
I found two awesome chairs in the trash that are now my balcony chairs.
And I even haave a home phone number.
Hooray. |
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| Moved into new apt |
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| 02:26pm 26/12/2006 |
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I live in white oak now. Still need to move furniture. Up four flights of stairs. But it's been exciting. |
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| 12:02am 28/11/2006 |
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I feel a horrible crash coming on.
Maybe it's just fear.
Fear of:
Failure
Responsibility
Pain
Judgement
et al.
But it has to be.
Maybe it'll be a pretty crash.
Doubt it. |
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| 11:27pm 12/11/2006 |
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so he made me proud at the wedding
He was in with all my family
"Oh he's so handsome" and he likes them.
It was wonderful |
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| i didn't say goodbye on purpose |
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| 08:36pm 04/11/2006 |
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Guess I haven't really gotten it out. I've been so focused on trying to forget that very little forgetting actually occurs. Although it's true I can only remember the bad times, and that I understand the position I was in- (though, who would actually DO that to someone- who would decide 'I'm gonna see how far I can take this' and make it that whole power thing? I don't understand the malice.)
I was made to believe I was less of a person. And it was done in such a way that I was aware of it the whole time.
Every wednesday, it would be "what are you two fighting about now?" and "he needs to get a job", I hate the concept of power: I was used! And it doesn't matter how many times I rail against it, I was used. I was not loved.
I know I should feel pity for someone who can't figure out his own life and feels it's so out of control that he has to control everything in his relationship, each day stretching it out further, yesterday she made lunch for me, today I'll make her cry until 4am, tomorrow I'll put my hands around her neck, by next week she'll be just out of surgery bussing her way to meet me at a place I know she hates. Who could, in good conscience, do this to someone?
It makes me want to do vindictive things. But I don't. That would just be an example of how he still has control over me. And that's what I wonder- if it does in fact bother him at all that he doesn't have power anymore, though probably not given that he actually didn't care about me, it probably doesn't faze him in the least that I want nothing to do with him.
Maybe someday he'll have an ex who will speak to him.
I know that it's okay to still feel angry. There's nothing wrong with that.
I know, too, that I should be happy I wasted 14 months of my life. I wouldn't be who and where I am if it hadn't happened. I wouldn't be able to see the pure joy and true love that I wake up to each morning, so innocent. And in truth, I know I am extremely lucky, even if nothing fortuitous should happen to me again, I will still consider myself lucky that I have love.
Why be upset if I'm happy? Because it's still upsetting. How could someone abuse another person, damage them (from which I am still recovering) and do it all under a twisted definition of love?
Garth tells me he doesn't want me to forget Van. |
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| 01:02am 01/11/2006 |
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(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)
| ✓ I miss somebody right now. |
✓ I don't watch much TV these days. |
✓ I own lots of books. |
| × I wear glasses or contact lenses. (I should, but don't) |
× I love to play video games. (Garth can try all he wants, he's not converting me.) |
✓ I've tried marijuana. |
| ✓ I've watched porn movies. |
✓ I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. |
✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy. |
| ✓ I curse sometimes. (I curse a lot.) |
✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. |
✓ I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me. (I work. It's called a box cutter. So many freaked out busdrivers.) |
( it goes on... ) |
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| i had the worst day in the world |
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| 12:31am 30/10/2006 |
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yesterday. I came home and cried myself to sleep. Been doing that a bit lately. It's overwhelming is all. Up at 7am, bed at 12 30am or so with classes, sometimes a nap, then 8 hours of work. I'm killing myself. I'm taking on extra jobs, trying to make enough to invest and not worry about money again. Stupid financial troubles.
I overslept (and therefore dropped my communications class. Like it wasn't a joke anyways) and had a nightmare that my two big bosses were my online teachers and I got a 6 percent in all the tests.
I was failing.
What's funny is, until later this evening, I was bitter about being register bitch for 6 hours (yesterday). I felt I had done something wrong. I was getting yelled at, the bus didn't come for a half an hour, i was cold, wet, and feeling like I oughta jump off some building.
I realized this morning:
It's just a job. I'm there to do my job. That's all. Nobody fucking cares about anything else. Sickness, Fatigue, exhaustion due to stretching myself too thin? A liability, nothing more. Do your job.
And that made me so sad I listened to Karma Police all day.
Even while my new friend Carli drove me home from school.
But when I spoke to Jenn about it, she's the manager, one of em, who I just love to death- I saw I was preaching to the choir. I respect that, but I'm new to this whole work-yourself-dead thing, so we talked it out over a cigarette, and I remembered something shitty that happened to Jenn earlier today- something she didn't deserve. I noticed it thanks to my newly acquired awareness of those around me.
Simone rang up my groceries, asked if I was feeling better from last night. I can't tell if she's an empath or not. If she is, she sure is nice to me considering how often I send Stacy, the other manager I love to death, after her ass for running away from register and not doing anything. It would be one thing if Simone was productive on the floor and didn't just sit herself down hiding in demo, but I digress.
I told her,
"Sometimes, when you think someone doesn't have the right perspective, it's actually you." (She told me to remember that. I know I won't, so LJ entry.)
For once, I was told that I do a very good job at work (today). I get the politics of it. If you listen to managers on Register, they talk through the customers. So odd. They snipe, too. I'd hate to be caught up in that world.
Though I think I'm in good with the captain. He knows I'm on the level now. Today he jumped up and grabbed a balloon for a kid, looked at me,
"Betcha didn't think an old fat guy could jump that high"
Me to my boss: "Yeah, you're right. Can you do it again, or will you have a heart attack?"
Yesterday he gave me some sort of compliment while I was coming in and I was not really listening to it- he said:
"When we talk, do you just run songs through your head?"
Me to my boss: "Pretty much, yeah"
Guess I'm getting a good raise this week.
Or fired.
At least I'm on better with my mother. We had a falling out four years in the making. Now we're striving for a healthy relationship with boundaries and respect and I got my wish. I'm so grateful she saw that Linda's money does not equal communal money. It was one of those things where you've been arguing and the sun is coming up and you both have a headache and want to sleep, but have to get things out. Relief. Wow.
Maybe life will get better?
Or maybe it'll throw some more shit in my fan, though I don't know what's left to throw.
Side note- I drove home today. Scared the people behind me. whatever. His brakes are tight.
On him: Four months and we fit as if made together. He is a good man. Now I just have to get him to believe it. I know in the very pit of me that this is right. Crazy. Lucky. One less thing to worry about. I know I'm not going to die alone. |
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| really really cold |
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| 10:46am 05/10/2006 |
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spotty.
Visit with the grandparents and pretend it's fine.
Go to work and pretend it's fine.
Prepare for school and pretend it's fine.
I guess I was bad and pay for it now- oh it hurts. |
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